Life is fleeting, live like it

I haven't been very interweb social lately, due to some pretty heavy things going on 'round these parts.

Last week my wife was having a routine scan done in preparation for a medical procedure, and those scans showed what appeared to be cancer in her bladder. Very quickly CT Scans were ordered and done, which then started the waiting game to see if our life together would be changed irrevocably.

Having lost my mother to blood cancer a few years ago, and my aunt to lung cancer a decade before that, the fear and anxiety I was forced to carry was like a stone around my neck, every step pulling me closer to the ground, closer to collapse. Nearly every family member I grew up with is dead; grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts and uncles.

My cousin is still kicking around and I have a half sister that I have reconnected with, which I am very thankful for, but it's a relatively new relationship, so while vital and precious, doesn't have the weight of memory that my immediate family had. Wrestling with the very real possibility that my wife would be joining that list of loss, was emotionally and physically debilitating.

Suffice it to say, It was not a fun time

Thankfully, the CT Scans showed that she was clear of cancer. Other things showed up, but nothing life threatening Thank God. Heather and I are both in our late 40's. Very late, truth be told, and like any good child of the 80's, we have lived as though there would be no end.

These last two weeks have disabused us of that notion. With extreme prejudice. I find myself approaching each day very differently, in a number of ways.

Health

I haven't really been too concerned with my health overall, I am weirdly healthy, with very few exceptions. The last couple of years I have seen my imagined invincibility start to slip, but I chocked it up to getting older and dismissed it. That is no longer the case. my health, mental and physical are now high priorities.

I work too much. Most days I do a full days work at Filmio Studios, and then either do a second shift on other stuff (or more Studios work if I am being honest). or spend the early mornings working on something. Some days it's all 3. I am putting in 18-20 hours of work combined. That is now over.

Marriage

I am missing time with my wife that is irreplaceable. Heather and I will be married for 26 years in December. My favorite thing is still sitting with her and just being. She is my person. Our relationship isn't perfect, it can't be. We're two imperfect people, finding new ways to appreciate and love each other, but somehow that arithmetic, two imperfect souls working together towards a common goal, equals something greater than its parts. Something perfect for us and beautiful.

It deserves to be treasure, nurtured and protected at all costs.

Fatherhood

My sons are literally what keeps me going. They are both exceptional in their own ways, and you know, pains in the ass in their own ways. One day, sooner than I would like, they will be off on life building adventures of their own, maybe raising kids, just as exceptional as they are, or like in my case, more exceptional.

Every minute I choose to not spend with them is a minute sacrificed on the alter of Things That Don't Matter™. I could die tomorrow, and I don't like the memories of me that will be left behind with them. I will not be my father. I will be greater. I will be better.

There really isn't any flash of brilliance, stunning insight or revelatory conclusion here. Just things that should be obvious, but for a lot of us, isn't. Putting them down here helps me process and commit to changes that need to be made. I hope it also makes someone who reads this, and needs the words here, reevaluate their own choices.

Hopefully sooner than I have.